WTF. As in, how the f%$@ can my adorable, sweet, easy 6 month old be waging such enormous amounts of havoc on my ladies (my boobage, the girls, the lovely lady lumps, etc)???
Lets get it all out there, shall we? I am, by no means, "a newbie at the boobie". I did a full, count them, 15!!!! months of breastfeeding with my first, and by all accounts, it was definitely the easy way out....rarely a bottle to wash, less than $30 bucks total dropped on formula, harder to ween than to feed, etc....
Now, suddenly, my adorable, sweet, easy second baby has unleashed her power to cause mayhem upon me. This power is not flung at the dinner table in the form of rice cereal and pureed sweet potatoes (she is a perfect, gaping-mouthed eater- adorable, once again), nor is it recognized during playtimes (her brother constantly thrashes her physically and mentally and she giggles, seriously giggles), even during long rides in the car my dear little one amuses herself with toys and gurgles and occasional outburst of baby jib-jabber...NO NO NO...the power to cause MAYHEM is 100%, without question or hesitation directed at MY BOOBS. I have had 5 clogged ducts in 3 weeks. Not overestimating here, possibly even underestimating.
Theories as to why my daughter is employing mediaevial torture techniques against the woman that birthed her:
1) Distraction: extremly plausible considering activity level of 3 year old brother multiplied by square feet in house = 10,000,000,000,00,000,000 (ie 10 trillion-zillion)..and I live in a 1,000 sq. ft...you get the picture.
2) Teething: As my orthodontist of 8 YEARS+++ once said with glee, "You have HUGE teeth and a TINY mouth....."
3) Gas....my husband's family is known for it, serioulsy, just ask them. I give the poor child avocado and banana and they look at me, totally straight-faced, and say, maybe it was the food- THE GAS.....
Whatever the reason, I have been spending WAY TOO MUCH time massaging, rubbing, and squeezing these ladies without any form of voyeuristic monetary compensation...I feel like a horny middle school boy with a way too easy girl friend. If anyone has any advice, experience, or just wants to yell- WEAN THAT BABY AND GET IT ALL OVER WITH...I'm ready and listening...seriously, WTF?